wow. been a while.

Where I find myself now is pretty different than where I was 9 months ago.
Thats long enough to make a baby and give birth! jeez. so winter is rolling back around.
I live on foothill drive now, with Chelsea. I was recently promoted at my job, Apex Logistics. Its a toss up as to whether or not it will be worth it. Not to say I am not grateful for my job, but working with family is never easy. Stressful to say the least. Work has kind of made its way into being more than just my job. People count on me. ugh.. anyway, life is good.

Stoked for the snow. peace.

so...
i think.. i think i know..
but i really cant describe to you how little there is.
i think i am loved.
i think i am above.
i sit here, drinking my water and ice.
tomorrow will come.
same as ever.
i will wake up alone.
and when i awake i will look.
try and feel..
try and move on to a better idea.
but i will tell you now that all i will remember,
is that lingering idea that i was once good.
good enough.
the one enough.
these walls watch me,
and i watch them back.
they are so un-entertaining.
i need the entertainment.
yet again i can just pretend i am good enough to have some kind of,
enjoyment,
love,
satisfaction.
or i can just sit here and cry.
try and remember when i was capable.
good enough.
or perfect.
but for now,
i will drink my water and ice.
and try and remember.
you arent worth my time.
my pillow has given more.

frustrated.

this past week has been a little frustrating for me. Chris said some stuff that really just got to me. he is at least making an effort to make up for that tho. i appreciate that.. yesterday was probably the best day i have had in a really long time. steve and i went and rode all day. followed that up with an awesome sushi dinner and some male strippers! haha. steve is amazing. he listens and he gives the best advice. if you are lucky you will get a guy like steve.. sooo.. going back to me being frustrated. i have a hard time with my confidence and not needing constant reassurance from people. its hard for me to be stoked on myself with out having someone stoking me up. that is how i am. and how i will always be i am afraid. so when someone tells me that they can only do certain things with me to stay attracted to me.. that makes me think way too much. i dont ever want to feel inferior to the person i am dating. i want a man who will tell me i am beautiful first thing in the morning before i get ready. a man who will make me dinner every once in a while. a man who will show up at my house with cough drops when i am not feeling well. and a man who isnt afraid to let people know how much he cares. haha. i sound so ridiculous. i am not hard to please. i am pretty easy going. i just want someone who knows that i always have his back and who shows me the same..

shreddin..

i love to snowboard.
season 3 is underway.
i am not very good.
but that is not really the point.
the point is, i have made tonnns of new friends.
i always have a blast.
and i learn new things everyday.
its pretty much thanks to snowboarding that i have the best friends
anyone could ever ask for.

i love to ride.
lets go!

<3

this ones a doosy..

Today was a good day. Saturday was kind of rough. I have been feeling kinda sick lately too. Which most definitly gets me over compensating. I try and keep my mind off of feeling shitty and focused on good productive things. I get to doing and going and I get to be too much for some people. I have always had this issue of needing constant reassurance. I would consider myself a spontaneous person but sometimes when I am in the condition I am currently in I tend to panic about the little things. I just want to make sure nothing goes wrong and everyone around me is totally happy with me. But at the same time I do just the opposite. I over think and over do. and that irritates people. Chris and I had a really good time tonight. He def makes me laugh. I rode Brighton with Ian and Sowers today. Those kids are always a good time. I got a text from my mom today that read like this: "I just wanted to tell you I love you. Do good this week.".... wow. I love her too.
Yesterday my brother Mike and my mom got into a real big fight. My brother called me and wasnt doing the silly voices he usually does when he calls so I knew something was up. He let me know he was just calling to explain himself before my mom called and tried to get me mad at him. It is pretty upsetting to me that my brother feels he needs to defend his actions to me before I persuaded to another opinion. I am old enough to know there is 2 sides to every story. So I listened to him. He went on to explain that a fight escalated to the point where my mom felt it necessary to try and hit my brother and he called her a derogatory name. Before last night I could not tell you the last time I heard my brother cry...
I am flattered he called me to talk. He called me to let it all out. Which even right now brings tears to my eyes. He knows I will listen with an open mind and heart.
One thing I dont think I will every understand is why my family insists on fighting and gossiping as much as they do. No nice thing goes with asking for something in return. As my mom put it, we are a family in crisis. and I feel like if I had one chance to sit them all down and explain what we need to do for one another it would go in one ear and out the other. In a time when the world is at its worst and we need our family more than anything we are hurting eachother. The only people that should always count on and we are failing eachother.
I am at a loss. I love them. I am lost. Busy over compensating. At least today was a good day.
Tomorrow will be just as good. PC with Steve? I couldnt ask for a better agenda. When all you need is a hug and a friend to rub your back while you cry.. Who will that friend be?

Good Friends? yes please.

It is true. I have some AMAZING friends. Off the top of my head Rusty, Steve, Nikki, Muppet, and of course Chris come to mind when I think of good friends. I have a guy who is willing to pick me up from work every night even when he just getting home from a 5 hour flight and only getting 5 hours of sleep after snowboarding non stop and falling down stairs over and over... that is definitly a run on sentence. haha. But my point is, I have these friends and my boy who have given me rides, made me laugh, let me cry on their shoulders, and have never expected anything in return... i love these people. so when you need that designated driver, that person to talk to when shit isnt working out, i will always be here. always. Surrounding myself with positive, motivated people has done more good for me than anything else. so thanks to my friends who respect me when i am tired and sick. who know when to quit. and who will shred that nasty with me. weeeeee!

ps. i might be getting my Sunny Kitty back!!
woooo hoooo!
<3

weee!

Thanks Steve! I am pretty excited about this whole Blog thing.. an online Journal I suppose.
I am at my parents house tonight. It is most def weird being here. My good friends remember when I thought that being cool with my mom would never happen again. We are cool again. We are best friends again. I know that the root of 99% of our fights came from her just wanting the best for me and me have complete disregard for that. It is pretty funny how a parent can tell you something over and over your entire life and you never register it. and it isnt until you really sit down one day and go.. "damn.. I am messing up. major." that you get it all together. (sorry.. once again I must reiterate that my thoughts can be pretty disconnected.) My life has slowly become less of a drunken struggle and more of an accomplishing routine. I know there are a few of my friends out there, *cough, steve, cough*, who have heard me rant about this on many occasion.. but it is kind of a rewarding feeling. I wouldnt go as far as to say that I was an alcoholic.. I just had my phase. I got it out. I put my mom through hell. I put myself and my friends through hell. I dropped off the grid. But it was a grid that needed to be disposed of. Here I am. and I am ok.

love you.